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by Kalea Dunkleman
A lot of pressure can be put on newlyweds. Sometimes you move in together for the first time and stumble around each other’s unknown habits; there’s the let-down after the wedding itself, the stress of which has virtually taken years off your lives; and there’s always the battle of changing your name. None of these, however, were the cause of the affliction that darkened the door of my three-day-old marriage in December.

About two months before we walked down that flower-strewn aisle, my fiancée filmed his first episode of “Celebrity Fit Club.” Some creative Google-ing and you will find why he falls under the category of “celebrity” but not necessarily why he needs to start pushing logs up muddy hills to be included under the heading of “fit.” The man weighs in around 155, after a burger at comme Ça. This season, however, the goal of the show was to make people buff, ripped, ready for action. This season, the goal was to film these celebrities as they were starved into waves of nausea-induced discombobulation perfectly setting the stage for… a wedding.
Now I know what you’re thinking- many a bride has terrorized those around her weeks before her wedding because of last minute fat-blasts and cleanses. Your man is trying to better himself, deal with it. And I did. What I wasn’t prepared for what confronted me just days after I became a Mrs. It seemed that the two teams battling it out for “fit factor points” were neck and neck and that it could go either way. All of a sudden a fierce competitive streak reared its ugly head in my husband. He had to win. Needed to win. Would do anything to win. Starve himself. Gone were my dreams of sipping Singapore Slings poolside at The Parker. Married life announced itself with a bang.
The idea, courtesy of Tina Yothers, was to eat nothing but plain, grilled chicken and water for five days, after which they would all emerge triumphant. For someone like me whose life revolves around food and drink, the plan was scary and mean. Interestingly, after just three days, scary and mean was exactly what my husband became. “I have a press dinner tonight so will be home late,” I’d say. “It must be nice to eat,” would be the response. “I’m going to meet Allyson for a drink after work,” I would mumble. “Alcohol is for the weak-minded,” he would scream.
During our six years together, we had never been tested like this. Our weekends are usually filled with trips to a new brunch spot, a Vesper martini at that new bar downtown that’s in a converted boiler room, home-made pizza during football on Sunday. But now, I would smell that forsaken chicken grilling and put on my shoes to make a fast exit before I had to be subjected to the moans of displeasure that accompanied every bite. Five days may seem like a fleeting whisper of time, but let me tell you, they were some of the longest of my life. You may say I’m obsessed with food (true), that I am selfish for making this all about myself (maybe true) and that as a newly minted wife I should have grilled that chicken for my husband, while smiling, in bare feet (never gonna happen). But until you’ve stared into the sunken eyes of a man who dreams in carbohydrates, I reserve the right to whine.
Was it worth it? Did we rise above our first challenge as newlyweds with the help of free trips, prizes and cold hard cash? As he starts wasting away, as the sense of humor that propelled him through the beginning weeks begins to wane and the circles under his eyes turn from grey to black, do we know there is a light at the end of the tunnel?
Well, I can’t tell you that.
You’ll have to watch in March.
What I can tell you is that our marriage, for now, has averted disaster. The rigorous regimen of indulgent dinners we adhered to the week after the show wrapped definitely helped, I’m not gonna lie. He may have lost many pounds in 4 weeks, but he gained it all back in just 4 short days.
What I’m:
Reading A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
Watching Project Runway and (for some unknown reason)
Millionaire Matchmaker
(Dreaming of) Eating Gruyere popovers at the new BLT Steak in LA
Listening to: Jonny Greenwood’s soundtrack to There Will Be Blood
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